


Thanks For The Memories (Even Though They Weren't So Great)

by bythelightofthenight



Series: Better [1]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Amnesia, Homophobia, M/M, Sort of AU, exists in the same universe but gives next to no fucks about canon, lil angst, lil cheesy too but it's alright
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-02
Updated: 2014-08-02
Packaged: 2018-02-11 12:11:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2067675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bythelightofthenight/pseuds/bythelightofthenight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“I don’t understand why you can’t just tell me.”</i><br/><i>“Because they’re right about one thing”, Isabelle’s eyes were sad when they met his. “Knowledge is a big part of being powerful. Without memory of the Angel’s blood there’s nothing left but a mundane.”</i><br/> </p><p>Alec loses his memory in an accident and everyone keeps being annoyingly vague with him when he tries to get his memories back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thanks For The Memories (Even Though They Weren't So Great)

**Author's Note:**

> Okaaaay I should be sleeping I'm leaving to Paris tomorrow but I needed to post this before I go because I worked so hard to finish it. 
> 
> The title is obvious and there's no defending it. (My and Sandra's sense of humor sucks.)
> 
> Um, also. This fic is a little serious most of the time and for a reason. Alec is my fave and I would've wanted to know more how he felt and so on... so that's why... this was born. Also the paper cut quote will hunt me till the end of time. So basically I'm sad. Carry on.

It was supposed to be just a normal gig: find the demons and destroy them, figure out the source and destroy it. If Alec had known how they’d fuck up already in the first two phases, he would’ve probably just rolled over that morning instead of stumbling out of bed to pull on his gear.

The building was four storeys high with most of the windows boarded shut. When they entered through the front door – or at least where the doors used to be – the second floor could be seen through a massive hole in the ceiling.

“Love what they’ve done with the place”, Jace said cheerily, eyeing the few floorboards still hanging from the edges.

As per usual everyone just snorted and moved on, though Clary offered an encouraging pat on the shoulder to the blond. Isabelle was at the front now, climbing up the ratty stairs first. Alec was close behind and rushed up in his sister’s steps. The second floor was also empty but an odd bustling sound came from above them.

Isabelle tightened her hold on her whip before charging to the stairs again with Jace on her heels. Clary threw Alec a half amused smile and then she was running up as well. He was left to have their backs as always.

The third floor turned out to be empty as well but the noise was louder now. They stood still and just listened, trying to figure out what was causing the sounds.

“Does anyone else feel like we’re being ambushed?” Clary asked quietly.

“More like we’re in a beehive”, Isabelle whispered, handing her witchlight to Alec to take out her steele.

He took the stone and walked further into the musty room. The sound of swarming grew louder as he moved, causing him to finally stop and turn back to the others. “They must all be in the highest floor. Do these ones fly or not? It seems weird they’d go higher instead of –“

He was cut off by the ceiling above him crashing down under the weight of what seemed to be thousands of insect-like demons with three eyes on their front and backsides. The pieces of wood and plaster hit him hard and Alec could feel the floor under him falling apart as more and more demons landed on top of him. With another crash the structure gave in and he fell for what felt like forever. Still the ground reached him in the end, crushing the last of air out of him.

When the rest of the second floor came down Alec had already drifted off.

*

The room was dim when he woke up, pale curtains drawn in front of a big window. Distant beeps were pulling him closer and closer to consciousness.

Alec struggled to get his eyes to open, slowly revealing a white ceiling to him. He flexed his fingers and toes carefully and found nothing wrong with them. His whole upper body seemed to have a weird kind of deep ache in it that he couldn’t quite place. His eyes moved down from the ceiling and focused on a figure standing at the foot of his bed.

The man was looking through one of the charts that hung on the end of the bed, a frown curving his brows downwards.

"Are you a doctor?" he croaked through the dryness of his throat.

The man jumped at the sound of his voice. His eyes were wide when they met Alec’s, his lips parted in surprise. “No.”

"Oh", Alec nodded before turning his head to the side to locate his cup of water. Today it had a red straw.

After gulping down most of its content he glanced back at the man who was still staring at him intently.

"Are you a nurse then?"

"Uh, yes", the man ran a hand through his messy black hair. "A nurse."

"I’m Alexander. Or Alec, I guess. Apparently I prefer it shorter. I wouldn’t know", he said with a shrug.

The man continued to stare. “Why wouldn’t you know?”

"They said I have amnesia. I mean I remember yesterday and the day before. But everything before that is more or less blank. My family was here when I woke up. They told me some things but if I’m honest I have no idea what’s happening."

The man’s eyes were a glowing shade of yellow, though they didn’t look the same as his family’s eyes. Alec didn’t know why but then again he didn’t know why his body was covered in strange black marks either. His family had similar marks on their skins, too, so he guessed they had some kind of meaning he should’ve known about.

"Have you remembered anything new since then?"

"Once I heard my mother’s name I knew I knew it. Also my sister’s, I think. But nothing about myself. The other nurses say I must’ve gotten a good blow to the head because there were some things I’d never even heard of", Alec explained thoughtfully.

The man’s expression stayed neutral as he nodded.

"I just wish they would stop looking so hurt when I can’t remember something. I’m sure it wasn’t their fault that this happened. They seem to love me very much."

"They do", the man said absentmindedly, his gaze lowering again.

"You’ve met them?" Alec’s brows shot up.

"In the hallway. Before they were allowed in at first", the man put down the chart he was holding before walking closer to him. "You’re feeling all right, though? No pain? No additional short term memory loss?"

"I’m perfectly fine."

"That’s… great. Let’s hope it stays that way", now the man was backing away, towards the door. "A doctor will be with you soon."

"Wait! I don’t know your name."

The man smiled hesitantly. “Magnus.”

"Magnus, will you come see me again?" Alec asked, eyes wide and pleading.

Magnus stilled with his hand on the doorknob. “Of course”, he promised before stepping outside.

*

The next morning Alec woke up to familiar noises. His body took some time to fully awaken from the sedatives they were giving him in the evenings, so he just lied still and listened to his family’s voices.

“I still don’t feel comfortable having him in a mundane hospital. It makes no sense”, he heard his sister say while anxious footsteps paced beside his bed. “The rune should’ve worked just fine.”

“He fell down two storeys, Izzy. Memory loss is something that should not be played with. What’s best for him is that he stays here and regains his memory as soon as possible so we can take him home. But as long as he remembers nothing of his origins it’s better to just have him safe”, his mother sighed tiredly like they’d been through the same conversation before. “The mundane doctors are good, professional people. They are doing their best.”

“Hey, I think he’s waking up”, his adoptive brother’s voice came from surprisingly close to his ear, making him startle. “Yup, he’s definitely awake.”

“Alexander, how are you feeling?” Maryse asked carefully.

He opened his eyes slowly, taking in the worried faces of his family members. “I’m okay. The same as yesterday. All the same.”

Isabelle slumped down onto the chair on his left, her raven hair framing her frowning face. “Anything new come up?”

He shook his head. “No memories, just dreams. I dreamed of a church… and an ice cream truck.”

“Do you remember seeing them anywhere before?”

Alec bit his lip before answering: “On the television yesterday.”

He hated how all of their faces dropped, how he could see their disappointment. He wanted to ask them what they wanted him to say. If they’d just tell him everything maybe it would come back.

“That’s okay. Just keep working on that”, Maryse patted his leg awkwardly. “We’ll be back in the evening, okay?”

“Okay”, he mumbled.

The stingy tears of frustration didn’t fall until the trio had disappeared through the door. Alec wiped them off aggressively, refusing to attend the pity party his mind was inviting him to.

"Hey, I noticed your family leaving -"

He looked up to meet the cat-like eyes of his visitor - the nurse from the day before.

"Sorry, I didn’t mean to just barge in like that. I’ll come back later", the man backspaced hurriedly.

"It’s okay. You don’t have to go", Alec said while trying to dry his eyes inconspicuously with the edge of his blanket. "They were just… busy I guess."

"Oh, I’m sorry", Magnus sat into the chair his sister had been in just moments before.

"I don’t know what to do. I can see how badly they want me to remember and I do too. But I have no idea where to begin! Do you happen to know if it’s normal to remember basic things about the universe but not know yourself?"

"I can’t say I do, I’m afraid. Your situation is not exactly the most common kind", Magnus smiled apologetically.

Alec sighed heavily, falling back into the pillows. “It’s like I’m missing a key piece of information and I can’t understand why they won’t just give it to me.”

"Maybe you should just keep trying", Magnus leaned back in his chair. "I mean what other choice do you have."

"Thanks", he said dryly, giving the man a pointed look. "You’re very helpful."

"It might help if you just keep talking", Magnus shrugged, unfazed by his attitude. "Maybe your subconscious will bring something up."

"Fine, what should I talk about?"

*

"And when my brother - Jace, the older one - was talking about his girlfriend. This girl called Clary. He even showed me a picture", Alec drew in a deep breath. He’d been talking constantly, almost forgetting to breathe at times.

The air tasted better out here in the garden. It had taken a week until the doctors let him out of the room. So as soon as he could he recruited his favorite nurse to take him outside for a walk while he continued his daily speaking therapy.

"She has red hair and she’s quite short but Jace seems completely smitten. It got me thinking: what if I was in love with someone when I lost my memory. My family hasn’t really mentioned anything like that but I haven’t asked either. So when I got this idea I looked at the picture again, trying to figure out what the person I loved would be like. And later I looked at the nurses who come and go through my room. Do you want to know what I figured?"

"Of course", Magnus nodded seriously.

"I’m probably homosexual!" Alec exclaimed.

There was a moment of silence before Magnus bursted into laughter. Alec stopped next to the man with his arms crossed over his chest.

"What is so funny?"

Magnus cleared his throat. “You just sounded so sincere and unconcerned. Most of the time when people come to such conclusion they’re not too overjoyed.”

"I understand that it’s an issue that divides opinions all around - I _googled_ it. But what else can I say? I feel no attraction to any of the females I’ve met this far."

"Congratulations then!"

They continued walking but suddenly Alec stopped again. He rubbed the back of his neck worriedly. “Do you think my family knows?”

"Perhaps", Magnus put his hand carefully on his lower back to prompt him to keep going. "But since they haven’t mentioned it they might not deem it… essential. Maybe you should ask your sister?"

"Good idea. She’s been coming in more lately. I think we were close", Alec nodded thoughtfully. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Have you ever been in love?"

Magnus’ eyes were cast on the gravel path. “Once or twice.”

"How did you know? That it was love, I mean", Alec asked quietly.

"You just know. You’d do anything for that person. On bad days they might be the only reason that gets you out of bed. There are many ways to be in love."

"I hope I get my memory back soon", he sighed.

*

The sun was setting when the nurse pulled the curtains shut.

"Did you have a fun time outside?" she asked while injecting the sedatives.

"I did. Magnus is good company", Alec answered slowly, already feeling the drowsiness seep into his system.

"Who?"

"The nurse I was with", he muttered, eyes slipping close.

"Oh, doesn’t ring a bell. Maybe they’ve hired some new blood into the day shift", the nurse smiled kindly. "Sleep well, Alexander."

"Don’t call me that", he yawned. He was asleep by the time the nurse shut the door behind her.

*

A knock on the door drew Alec’s attention from the television screen.

"Come in."

Isabelle strode into the room with a bright smile on her face, her high heels clicking on the floor tiles. “Hi!”

"What’s got you so excited?"

“Nothing!” she sat down next to his bed and crossed her legs. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Don’t even try! What is it?”

Isabelle poked him in the ribs. “I came here for your business. Come on, Alec. We tell each other everything.”

“No we don’t. You didn’t tell me about tearing a page of my favorite book when you were seven”, Alec accused, rubbing at the spot her sharp fingernail had hit.

“You can’t still use that one! You’ve already guilt-tripped me with that like four times…” she trailed off but her mouth was left agape.

“What?”

“You remember that?” Isabelle asked quietly.

He nodded slowly and her volume grew higher.

“You remember something from our childhood! What else? Anything else? When Jace was brought home? When Max was born?”

“I don’t know. It’s all mixed with what you’ve told me. How can I be sure what’s my own memory and what’s just your words?” Alec ran a hand through his hair.

“But you remembered something. It’s a big deal. Don’t get yourself down right away. It just shows some things can come back. Maybe they’ll keep coming!” Isabelle grabbed his hand and laced their fingers together. “Just start from the beginning.”

“I can’t believe _that’s_ what I remember”, he shook his head lightly and she grinned.

“You’ve got to give me some credit.”

“Of course.”

“So what did you want to talk to me about?”

Alec bit his lip and turned his gaze away. “I was hoping you could tell me something.”

“Anything”, she promised sincerely.

“I sort of figured out I’m gay. Probably, I’m not sure. It just felt like the best way to describe what I was feeling.”

His sister is quiet for a moment. “I know.”

“I don’t find women attractive more than on an aesthetic level. But when I look at someone like… like Magnus –“

“What?”

“What?”

“Who?”

“You know?”

Isabelle held up her hands to shut him up. “Yes, I know. You told me years ago. Who are you talking about?”

He frowned at her. Her expression didn’t really change during his confession until he mentioned Magnus. Maybe there really was someone he should’ve remembered. “Magnus. He’s a nurse who’s been helping me. He’s attractive.”

“Oh, okay”, Isabelle nodded distractedly.

“Why are you saying it like that? Is there something I should know about?”

“Just that our parents do know… They just like to keep quiet about it. But since clearly this is not one of the things that gets erased by amnesia –“

“They were hoping I’d _forget_?” Alec snapped, making her startle. “They thought it was a good idea to leave this out just in case I _forgot_? What the –“

“Alec! I’m not supporting their decision in the slightest but you don’t remember what our people are like”, Isabelle said.

“What is this “our people” –business, anyway? What are we part of a cult or something?” he shouted. He could feel his mind clouding with anger: a reaction that felt surprisingly familiar. “I don’t understand why you can’t just tell me.”

“Because they’re right about one thing”, Isabelle’s eyes were sad when they met his. “Knowledge is a big part of being powerful. Without memory of the Angel’s blood there’s nothing left but a mundane.”

*

In the following days the base of Alec’s life seemed to come together well enough for him to naturally start calling his sister Izzy and keep up with Max’s jokes when he visited. His memory still had holes in it, laced with uncertainty and the strange words his family used when they thought he couldn’t hear. Still, it had the thought of returning home securely lodged into his mind.

“It’s the strangest thing”, he explained to Magnus one night before the man was leaving. “It sort of feels like I’m healing every day. Like my brain is coming back together piece by piece or like a curtain is being lifted. It’s like I’m understanding things a little differently every day. But not logically like puzzle pieces that create a bigger image. No, it’s messier than that. Some parts become completely clear and others stay in the dark like they’re waiting for a common denominator to click it all together. And the worst thing is that I’m not in control of any of it!”

“Or maybe it’s the effect of something fading away.”

“Either way, I wish it would hurry up”, Alec sighed.

Magnus just smiled at him before standing up and starting to gather his things. Alec watched him in silence, following the curve of his back with his eyes when he leaned down to tie one of his shoes better. He was lost in his thoughts, eyes locked on the man’s slender fingers, when Magnus cleared his throat.

“Everything okay?”

He nodded swiftly, feeling his cheeks burning red.

“I’m leaving now. I’ll see you again tomorrow.”

“Yeah”, he smiled weakly. “Okay.”

“Try to get some sleep”, Magnus touched his shoulder gently.

Alec stayed completely still until he was out the door. With a sigh he slumped down on the bed, running a hand over his face. The last thing he needed in his situation was a crush. It must’ve been his lack of contact to the outside world. He had to have other friends out there, right?

He was still slightly annoyed when he went to sleep. And yet, sleep didn’t bring an answer to the question he actually wanted answered.

The apartment wasn’t exactly familiar to him – hell, he wasn’t even sure what his own home looked like in its entirety so who could blame him – but still he knew exactly where he was going. He walked around the corner into a subtly decorated living room and plopped down onto the couch.

“Alec! What did you say you wanted again?” came from the other room.

“I didn’t say anything”, he muttered mostly to himself.

Magnus peeked from the doorway and tilted his head at him. “You could’ve just said you want the usual.”

He just waved his hand and the man disappeared back into the kitchen. For a moment Alec just lied there, looking at the room. There were framed photographs on top of a drawer but they were all angled poorly, blocking his view. He could’ve gotten up to get a better look but it didn’t feel necessary.

Soon enough Magnus returned to the room. He was only wearing a dress shirt and a pair of boxers, his hair a mess of ruined spikes. “You could’ve been more careful with the buttons”, he said, examining the shirt. “Only one left. I liked this shirt, you know.”

“Sorry?” Alec felt a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I’ll try to get them all next time.”

Magnus raised a brow at him. “Cheeky”, he dropped down next to him on the couch and kissed his temple. “Food will be here in ten minutes.”

“Okay”, he chuckled, hand already halfway inside the man’s shirt, lips skimming the side of his neck. “There’s a lot of things I can come up with in ten minutes.”

“Oh really?” Magnus snorted but leaned in to his ministrations. “Doesn’t hurt to try, I guess.”

“Absolutely not”, Alec hummed happily before bursting into giggles when the man rolled onto him, pinning him into the couch.

Alec woke up feeling even grumpier and just proceeded to awkwardly roll onto his side and stare at the pale green wall until he fell back to sleep.

*

When Magnus knocked on his door the next day, Alec had bitten down at least half of his nails. He was barely listening to what the man was saying with how much he was concentrating on keeping his eyes in check.

“Lift up your shirt”, were the words that finally shook him out of it.

“What? Why?” he stuttered, more images than he’d ever admit coming into his head.

“I need to check your bruising”, Magnus said slowly, probably repeating himself. “That okay?”

“Yeah, of course, sure”, Alec nodded and shakily pulled the fabric up until it was tucked under his arms.

Magnus walked around the bed to his right side, leaning into his space as his eyes scanned his chest. He wasn’t even close to being prepared when the man’s hand came to rest on his stomach, lightly applying pressure to the strange bruise on the left side of his navel.

He had about twelve of them all over his body, some smaller than others. But all of them were almost perfectly round with a darker patch in the middle. At first they had hurt like hell at even the slightest pressure but you could barely even feel them anymore. The color had gone from deep purple to murky greens and yellows as well.

“Does this hurt?” Magnus asked, pressing down a little harder on the skin.

“Not anymore.”

“When they did, was the center the most sensitive spot?”

Alec swallowed roughly when his hand moved to the bruise right over his heart. “Actually no, the middle was almost numb since the beginning.”

“This one got you good”, Magnus muttered absentmindedly as he observed the bruising.

“Tell me about it”, he huffed.

For a moment they were quiet, Alec trying to control his racing heart and Magnus working contently.

“Could you –“ Magnus lifted his gaze to see Alec’s hand over his where it rested over the boy’s heart.

“I”, he seemed to only then notice what he’d done and quickly moved his hand. “I’m sorry! That was like a romantic movie reflex. I’ve watched way too many of them lately. They keep showing them on TV. I’m really sorry I didn’t mean to do that.”

“Don’t worry about it”, Magnus said seriously, meeting his eyes steadily to make a point. “Could you show me the one on your back? The one you said was the worst.”

Alec sat up and turned his back to him without a word. He couldn’t believe himself. While Magnus’ fingers traced the largest mark on his body, he cursed himself all the way to hell and back.

He held his hand. What the hell was he thinking? It must’ve been a part of the dream from last night when the man had wrapped his arms around Alec from behind, his palm flat against the beat of his heart. He had smiled and placed his own hand over it, knowing what it meant.

He didn’t know what it meant, though. This was reality and he couldn’t go around grabbing people for no reason. Especially Magnus whose presence he appreciated greatly. So he had to make sure he could keep doing so without the man feeling uncomfortable around him.

“All done”, Magnus said suddenly and Alec let his shirt fall back down.

“What’s the verdict?”

“You’ll live. Don’t worry about it. Soon enough you’ll be good as new.”

“What if I’ll just be new?”

Magnus thought for a moment, his eyes unreadable. “Not all new is bad. But trust me on this one: things going back to normal isn’t the worst option either.”

*

Alec was returning to his room from his trip to the garden, deep in thought, when a nurse with two trays in her hands ran into him from around the corner. Without thinking he grabbed the nurse’s waist to keep her upright while his other hand went for one of the trays that had been thrown into the air in the crash. He caught the tray almost effortlessly, a whole meal staying untouchable on it.

The nurse burst into thanks and praises, babbling about being clumsy, but all Alec could do was stare at his hands. He hadn’t felt properly steady in a while whether it was his hands shaking in the evenings or his chest aching after waking up. But he’d helped the girl and prevented a disaster from happening.

It was nice to feel in control of his body.

He reached his room, still feeling slightly giddy over the incident, when he heard voices coming from inside. He hadn’t seen Magnus yet that day but it was clearly his voice mixing into the sounds of his family arguing.

"He needs to come home", his mother kept insisting.

"If you’d just listen -" Magnus said, sounding exhausted before he was cut off again.

"There has to be some _trick_ you can pull. You know there’s something you could at least try on him", Maryse snapped.

"You want me to try something that has no guarantee of working _on_ him?" Magnus’ voice rose slightly. "Without him even knowing what’s going on?"

"This is business, Magnus. Don’t let your personal feelings get in the way of doing a job."

"He’s your son, Maryse! Does that mean nothing to you or are you just repeating something your husband told you?"

Alec noticed he was holding his breath as he waited for the answer. His hands were shaking against his sides. _Personal feelings_. What did that even mean? What on earth could Magnus do to help his situation?

"My family is none of your business. You know well enough that I could ask anyone else of your people to do this. Catarina would surely be willing to help a poor boy without questioning. But I’m giving you a chance to show your r-"

"Don’t you dare to say respect. We both know this has nothing to do with such. I’ve been very kind to your family mostly out of my affiliation with your son, but what exists between Alec and I leaves me in no debt to you", Magnus stated calmly but the tone of his voice made Alec shiver. He couldn’t think of another time he’d heard the man so resentful.

"Mom", his sister’s voice started bravely. "Magnus is right. If you’d just listen to what he knows -"

"Isabelle, as I already said I don’t see what the use is even if he knows which species it was that attacked you", Maryse sighed.

"Because I also know that the effects of the venom will disappear soon! Alec has twelve puncture wounds on his body, all matching the description."

"Jace got stung once too", Isabelle added eagerly. "He was fine at first but when he woke up the morning after the attack he was disoriented for a good thirty minutes before shaking it off."

"The venom takes effect when the body is resting. It’s usually quite harmless but in this case there was also the head trauma. Not to mention that the largest bruises were located at the base of his neck and over his heart. The venom got into his system effortlessly", Magnus took a deep breath to steady his voice again. "Maryse, you have to know it’s not just amnesia. Otherwise he wouldn’t remember anything at all. The poison is still holding back the truest part of him, who he really is. Doesn’t that sound exactly like something "the enemy" would do? Like hell? There’s nothing that disarms a hunter better than having them forget how to hunt."

A silence fell into the room and all Alec could hear was his own heart beating painfully in his chest. A chair creaked against the floor and fabric ruffled like someone had pulled on a coat.

"He comes home", Maryse said simply.

"I won’t let you lay a hand on him. I don’t care what I have to do."

"Are you even hearing yourself? What are you in your position if you can’t make sacrifices that don’t even concern you. The only thing that matters now is that he comes home and starts remembering who he is. I don’t care what you two called each other. I won’t have it under my roof."

"Oh, so is that why he moved into -"

"Into where?" Alec asked from the doorway. Somewhere between his mother’s biting words and Magnus’ response he had pushed open the door and stepped into sight. He could barely hear his own words through the ringing in his ears.

"Alec, you -" Magnus took a step in his direction but stopped at the glare he shot him.

"Alexander, you’re coming home with us today", Maryse said. "You should pack your belongings -"

"No", he yelled. "I _shouldn’t_ do anything until you actually tell me what the hell is going on."

"You’ll understand once we get to the Institute -"

"And YOU", he turned to point at Magnus accusingly, completely ignoring his mother. "You’re telling her what you know before me? Even though I’ve told you how they’ve been treating me? How they hoped I wouldn’t remember _everything_ about myself?"

"I’m sorry but I can explain -"

"NO! I don’t need excuses. I need answers", Alec pinched the bridge of his nose and shot a pleading look at his sister. "Can you two leave us for a moment? I need to talk to Magnus in private."

"Alec…"

"Please."

He just stepped aside when his mother and sister passed him, waiting to hear the door click shut.

"Alec, you have to let me explain", Magnus pleaded. His cat-eyes were filled with desperation and most of all sadness… and it made Alec incredibly angry.

"I trusted you and you lied to me! You never told me we knew each other. I told you everything. How I was feeling, how fucking frustrated I have been with myself and how I just couldn’t figure out why I can’t remember. But you were just observing me! You were just gathering information and for what! So you could tell my _mother_ about it? You can’t even understand how angry I am right now", Alec shouted.

Magnus didn’t try to interrupt him even when he stopped to take a breath. He had regret written all over his face and it was almost enough to deflate him of anger. Almost.

"You spent all this time with me, knowing more about me than I do, and didn’t say a word. You let me start liking you even though you knew we’d already met. How is any of this fair? You had a massive advantage point while I had nothing. Everything you said could’ve been orchestrated just to make me talk.

What were we? What were we before all this? What could’ve possibly made you resent me so much that you did this to me? I don’t understand any of this. You wouldn’t let them take me home. Why do you care? Why are you a part of any of this?”

He stared at Magnus expectingly but he didn’t say a word. Alec huffed out an angry breath, running a hand through his hair. This wasn’t the time to become unhelpful. He couldn’t do this alone; he needed someone to be on his side. Otherwise he’d get thrown around like it was nothing just because he couldn’t properly tell if something wasn’t right.

“I need you to tell me the truth, Magnus. I don’t think you understand but I have nothing right now. I’m being pushed around and being told it’s the best for me. But I have no idea if it’s really "best for me" or done "out of love". There might as well be some age-old rivalry between you and them and you both just happen to need me on your side. Does love have anything to do with this?”

Magnus stepped closer to him, cupping the sides of his face between his hands and leaning closer. He just stood there and stared into Alec’s eyes, his breath hitting right above his upper lip. “Love’s got everything to do with this”, he finally whispered, and before Alec could do anything he was gone.

The edge of his bed came to his rescue when he stumbled back, mind reeling uncontrollably. There were words and images and people in his head. Some flew right past him; others stuck to the front of his brain, forcing him to face them. His parents were fighting while he and Isabelle listened behind the door, Max had fallen asleep in his room after reading one of his books, Jace’s smile when he sat down to read next to the boy where he had been brooding alone, Clary and the dark-haired boy Isabelle had talked about under the blue lights of a club, Magnus –

There was nothing about Magnus. But Alec was constantly more aware of the things he _couldn’t_ remember and he could almost see the outlines of the memories he hadn’t reached yet. If he could just find the beginning, reach the changing point… It was all there for him to see.

He walked to the door and cracked it open. Isabelle was still in the corridor, sitting against the wall with her chin resting on top of her knees.

“Izzy”, Alec called softly and the girl quickly stood up. “Did she leave?”

“Yeah, for now”, she nodded. “What are you going to do?”

“Give me one more night. I know I can’t stay here forever but give me one more night.”

“If it was up to me you’d get to do whatever you wanted”, Isabelle chuckled tiredly. “Just as long as you’ll be okay.”

He held out his arms and she stepped into his embrace.

“You know”, she whispered against his neck, “it’s okay if you decide not to come home. It’s understandable just as much this time as the last.”

Alec swallowed roughly and tightened his hold around her. “I’m not sure what I’ll do yet. But thank you.”

Isabelle pulled away and smiled weakly at him. “I trust you to do what’s best for you. You always do. Even if it’s hard.”

“I just need some time to think. If it doesn’t work I’ll come home with you. Maybe it will help me remember.”

“Maybe”, she touched his shoulder lightly. “Just… don’t expect too much. Some things are better to leave behind.”

“I know.”

“I’ll be back in the morning”, Isabelle promised.

She was already walking away when Alec called after her. “Oh and Izzy, tell Jace it’s okay. I understand why he wouldn’t want to be here. I’m not blaming him.”

Isabelle nodded with a smile before disappearing behind the corner. Alec got back into his room and fell onto the bed. He was still confused, a little lost and very tired but he couldn’t stop his brain from working.

On top was the word Isabelle had whispered to him before letting go. _Nephilim_.

It sounded so familiar but it meant absolutely nothing special to him. Nephilim were a race of humans from the Old Testament that were described as being physically impressive and heroic. His family hadn’t seemed religious in any way. So what could’ve she been talking about?

And then there was Magnus. “Love’s got everything to do with this.” Why did people keep being so vague with him? Why couldn’t they just tell him straight on what was going on?

Did he love Magnus? Did Magnus love him? He had to admit the idea of him being with someone like Magnus was uplifting to say the least. But he couldn’t imagine a situation where they would meet and actually end up together.

He fell asleep with different scenarios playing in his head but in the middle of the night he woke up gasping. There had been a dream and now he was desperately trying to grasp it before it disappeared somewhere into his brain.

He was in the apartment again, though it looked a lot different than in his other dream. There were people everywhere - all kinds of looking people with pale green skin or wings or eyes that shone red. But he wasn’t paying attention to them because he was leaning against a wall further away from the actual party with Magnus towering over him. It wasn’t in a threatening way rather than just being _like_ Magnus and he knew he could’ve stepped away if he had wanted to. But he didn’t.

Magnus was talking in a low voice, eyes constantly moving across his body before landing on Alec’s eyes again. Alec could barely recall what he said but the message was clear: he was very interested. And it made him feel confident in a completely new way. He didn’t shy away from the piercing yellow eyes because the attention felt good. He didn’t feel ashamed to be so close to someone even if he did keep checking around if someone was watching them. It was a normal reaction to him and of course he didn’t want his siblings to think he had ditched them to flirt with someone… Even though that was sort of the case.

He could _remember_ they’d come there to find someone; someone called Raphael. They needed some kind of information from the man and had been tracking him down for a week before finding about the party he would be attending. Alec didn’t know who Raphael was but he knew he was one of the people with paper-like skin, a… vampire. Yes, Raphael was a vampire.

But in that moment he was sure his siblings could handle it. They had Clary with them. Yes, good, Clary was also part of the team. They didn’t need him right now.

Magnus’ free hand that wasn’t on the wall next to his head was trailing the lapel of his jacket and he had to fight to keep his face expressionless even when he felt his cheeks flush. The sound of glass breaking snapped both of them back into attention.

"Which one do you think that’s for?"

"Well it’s your party."

"Well it’s your friends."

With a sigh Alec had gone to see what had happened. When they had been leaving, questions answered and property damage taken care of, Magnus caught up with him once more. He’d handed Alec’s phone back to him with a grin and told him to call before turning to the others.

"Begone now, children of the Nephilim. Next time think twice before coming here."

And with a final wink at him, the warlock had slammed the door shut.

"I had an invitation", Isabelle had grumbled.

And she did; it was what had gotten them into the apartment in the first place. Because Magnus hadn’t remembered inviting them. And there it was again, _children of the Nephilim_. Magnus had said those words to them twice now. And the vampire, Raphael, had tried to spit on Jace before calling them…

Alec’s eyes snapped open. It did mean something. It meant the runes all over his body, the old battle scars that littered his skin. It meant family, his race, his friends. It meant brotherhood and working together. It meant fear of being rejected, hiding what he wanted to express. It meant no Magnus.

He was sure he hadn’t called the warlock after that night. He was sure he had chickened out many times, just staring at his phone, hoping it would ring instead. How could’ve it ever happened?

He fell back into restless sleep just before the sun started to rise.

*

After waking up in the morning, Alec just lied in bed, staring at the ceiling for the last time. Something caught his eyes: a small dark spot moving around on the surface.

He sat up, still staring at the spot and waiting for his eyes to properly focus on it. There were multiple tiny legs and a shiny black back and the longer he stared, the more he felt like he could see them.

It felt like a huge weight was dropped on him. He stared at the ceiling with horror filling his mind.

He had to get away. He couldn’t handle feeling this way much longer. With a shaky sigh Alec let his eyes slip close and focused.

*

When Isabelle arrived she found him standing on top of a chair.

"What are you doing?"

"Just needed to kill a bug. Not really a fan of them anymore", he shrugged before jumping down.

"What?"

"Nephilim", Alec said, pulling his shoe back on. "It helped."

A relieved smile spread on her face. “I’m glad.”

"Did you come alone?"

"Not exactly."

"Good. I’m coming home", he stood up to face his sister.

"Why?" she frowned.

"I know what I need to do, Izzy", he sighed. "And it’s been way too long since I was there. Not to mention there are still holes in my mind. I’ve moved forward so suddenly, now I feel left out on things. I have to see it. All of it."

“If that’s really what you want”, Isabelle nodded seriously.

“It is.”

*

Walking through the doors of the Institute felt… not exactly like what he’d imagined. It was where he had grown up, he knew that. It felt like it, too.

He was like one of those characters in the TV shows he’d watched at the hospital who went to visit home from college. He was visiting his family.

Max ran up to him right away, his arms tight around his middle. The boy had gotten taller, grown stronger than what he remembered. He told so to the youngest brother who glowed with pride as a result. He had apparently read all of Alec’s books while he was gone, too.

Jace was standing in the background with Clary, a crease between his eyebrows that Alec found he had missed. Once Max let go of him and sprinted away, he took a step closer to his parabatai.

“I’ve been here for five minutes and you’re already frowning. Have they accidentally swapped our brains?”

The blond stood still for a moment before a grin spread on his face and he grabbed Alec into a hug that rattled his bones.

“I’m sorry”, Jace muttered so quietly even Alec could barely hear it.

“Don’t be.”

“But I am”, Jace insisted. “If it had been the other way around, you would’ve never left my side.”

“Good that it wasn’t the other way around then”, Alec patted his back gently and he pulled away.

Jace just shook his head and stepped back. Clary was watching him wearily, a red curl wrapped tightly around her finger.

“Have you suddenly turned bashful too?”

She let out a bark of laughter before stepping into his arms as well. “You wish, old man.”

“So”, he cleared his throat once the hugging had finally come to an end, “do I need a tour or can I go see my room now?”

“I’ll come with you”, Isabelle said, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the stairs.

“That went well”, he hummed as they walked through the upstairs corridors.

“How else could’ve it gone?” Isabelle snorted. “Don’t answer that.”

They stopped in front of his door and shared a quick look.

“Are you waiting for some dramatic background music or what?” she snapped. “Just open the door.”

“Alright!” he rolled his eyes and pushed it open.

The room looked just like he’d remembered: tidy, plain walls, blue bedspread and his bookshelves. He stepped inside, taking it all in. Isabelle followed him quietly and watched.

“This isn’t my room, though”, Alec said absentmindedly. “Is it?”

Isabelle shook his head slowly, chuckling lightly. “This thing has made you nothing else than just even more honest.”

“Isabelle…”

“Well, you haven’t lived here… in a while”, she said finally. “Do you want me to be brutally honest with you?”

“Aren’t you always?” he raised a brow.

She gave him a one-sided shrug and flopped down onto his bed. “You didn’t like it here. This room – it’s everything you used to be. It’s plain, almost completely emotionless even when you were still living in it. I can only say what you told me back to you, but I remember how unhappy you were too. You were so tired of feeling like you needed to be ashamed.”

Alec sat on the edge of the bed and swallowed gravely. “What about when I didn’t live here anymore.”

“It was like a whole new world had opened for you. I mean, you’re still you but the difference was immense. Even when everything wasn’t so simple there was still this sense of peace in you because no matter what, you weren’t lying anymore. Not to yourself or anyone else”, Isabelle reached out to hold his hand. “Alec, you have to know. That even if you don’t remember it yet, you were happy. And there’s still a chance for you as long as you don’t go back to playing with someone else’s rules.”

He sighed heavily and rubbed his eyes with his free hand. “It was him, wasn’t it? It was Magnus who started all of this.”

“More or less”, she shrugged. “But he was just the spark you needed to burn on your own.”

“How did we even get together in the first place? I remember the first time we met. Vividly. But he wanted me to contact him. I wouldn’t do that. I was too unsure of myself.”

“What do you think happened?”

“I have no idea to be honest. All I can say is that I’m sure I never called him.”

“Yeah, you didn’t”, she laughed and his face fell. “You went back to his house.”

“You’re joking.”

“Not at all! You have no idea how proud of you I was. It was definitely very Jace of you”, Isabelle giggled, squeezing his hand gently. “You went there and as far as I know you just let it all out. Like a real speech. Or could be that you made out and then talked a little but what would I know.”

Alec huffed out a laugh. He met his sister’s eyes and smiled back at her. “I’m a badass, aren’t I?”

She cackled loudly, pulling him into a hug. “The baddest.”

*

“So what are you going to do now?” Jace asked when they sat together in the library later that night. Clary was asleep next to him with her head pillowed in his lap.

Alec chewed on his lip. “I’m going to do the right thing. Obviously.”

“You can just say it”, Jace said softly. “I promise no one will be angry at you.”

He breathed in deeply and let it out. “I’m leaving.”

Jace just nodded, his hand never stilling as he stroked Clary’s hair. “I know.”

“When this happened last time, was it a very melodramatic moment?”

“A little; I mean it was more of shock back then. There was a little yelling, no throwing things. Just the usual, you know”, Jace shrugged nonchalantly, grinning at the unimpressed look Alec was giving him.

“Do you think they’ll let me just walk out?”

“I’d like to think so. It’s not like they can really stop you. They’ve already tried before and it didn’t work out. And Izzy might snap. She’s been stretched a little too thin lately.”

“I never wanted you to get dragged into this –“

“Hey”, Jace interrupted him sternly, “you’ve been dragged into our messes enough for us to be up to our necks in debt to you. It’s no big deal if we have to do this for you – a few times.”

“Fine, okay”, Alec shook his head in amusement. “I think I want to go now. I’m in need of a shower and some fresh clothes. And sleep. Sleep is good.”

Jace stayed back to wake Clary up while Alec walked to the front doors once more. Maryse was standing in front of them, her face emotionless.

“Hi, mom.”

“Are you sure you want to do this again?” she asked quietly.

“Yes”, he answered without hesitation. “I am what I am. What’s the point in pretending to be something else?”

“But it doesn’t mean you have to leave your home –“

“That’s the thing”, Alec chuckled softly. “I don’t blame you for not understanding this and I know that you love me in your own way. But this is something I need to do – again – to be happy. Whatever you do or say I can’t be truly happy here anymore. I’m an adult, as funny as that is. And I need to build my own life. I’ll still be a part of the Institute, a part of you. But I can be that and live elsewhere.”

“So _he_ is what you think you want?”

“Who knows? There can be many things I want. I’m gay, mom. We’re all aware of it. But it doesn’t change anything. It’s still me. So I’ll try to reach the things I want just like any other person”, he stepped closer and took her hand in his. “I don’t know what’s going on with you and dad. I don’t know if I even should know. But you have to do what you really want, too. I love you. And I’ll keep coming back even if it’s just for a visit. You’re not losing me.”

“Goodnight, son”, was all she said as she squeezed his hand tightly before walking away.

“You ready?” Isabelle asked behind him.

He turned around and smiled at the rest of his family. “As much as I’ll ever be.”

Her eyes glistened with tears when she pulled him into a hug yet again. Max wrapped his bony arms around the both of them and they let him into the embrace with a laugh. While they hugged, Alec glanced at Jace and Clary who were watching them.

“Come on, guys. I think we’ve reached a level where we can all do a group hug”, he said.

Jace snorted but Clary was already pulling him into the group.

“This is the lamest thing we’ve ever done”, Jace stated when they let go and for good measure they all huddled around him again.

Alec already had his hand on the door handle when Clary asked:

“Where are you going to go now, Alec?”

“I’m going home.”

*

He found himself standing outside of Magnus’ door while snow had started falling around him. For the whole walk he had been worrying himself by creating scenarios of all the things that could go wrong. But now that he stared at the wooden door in front of him, his mind was blank.

The door cracked open and at first all he could see was Magnus’ eyes staring back at him.

"Hello."

"Hi", Magnus seemed to snap out of his momentary trans and he pushed the door open properly. "Come on in."

He followed the warlock into the living room but neither of them made a move to sit down. Alec let his eyes wander across the room that looked different than in his dreams, focusing on the photos on top of a drawer. They were of him, of his family and Magnus, mixed and matched together.

Magnus was watching him in silence, waiting for him to talk. He opened his mouth a few time but nothing came out.

"So I see you left the hospital", Magnus said finally.

"I did, yes", he nodded. "Weren’t you there today?"

"I don’t exactly work there in reality, you know."

"Right, of course. I knew that."

A silence fell over them again. Alec watched his face for a long time, trying to figure out what was the right thing to say.

"What did you plan on doing with this newly found freedom of yours?" Magnus met his eyes without hesitation.

"I’m here", was all he could say.

They were inching towards each other, like their legs had minds of their own.

"But you were at the Institute before", Magnus stated and it wasn’t an accusation.

"I was there to visit my family", Alec said. "And to tell them I was leaving."

"Alec, you have to know I’m sorry. About lying to you and everything else. But I wasn’t about to stay away from you even if you didn’t recognize me", Magnus blurted out, a hand coming to rest on his shoulder with how close they’d ended up.

"I know, but you didn’t have to say you were working there. It was uncalled for and I am angry with you", he admitted. "But that doesn’t change my feelings."

Magnus’ expression turned slightly pained. “Are you sure? Because it’s exactly why I didn’t want to tell you the truth when you couldn’t remember. I didn’t want you to only think that you loved me.”

"Well, funnily enough I was falling for you anyway. You couldn’t get rid of me that easily", he put his hand over Magnus’ where it had lowered to rest over his heart. "I guess this is where I’m meant to be."

Without another word Magnus wrapped his arms around him and pulled him to his chest. Alec held on tightly, almost wanting to cry at the feeling that was so suffocatingly familiar. He just breathed in against Magnus’ neck before pressing a kiss to the warm skin.

This was what coming home felt like.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a mention here. Maryse is 100% my favorite "adult/parent" from TMI and I by no means try to make her look bad so I hope you all got where she was coming from. 
> 
> Let me know how you like it so I'll be happy when I come back and school starts?


End file.
